Splinter

Directed by:  Toby Wilkins

Starring:  Shea Whigham, Jill Wagner, Paulo Costanzo

I came across this movie in the local library DVD section and decided to give it a shot.  Rarely am I treated to such an unknown pleasure, but this was a special case.  I'm not saying it was amazing, but you could do a lot worse with low budget indie-horror.  If movies like Black Christmas (which I regrettably gave my money to) can be a major release in theaters, this definitely deserved to be in theaters everywhere.  Upon research, Splinter did find its way to a limited release on Halloween in 2008.  Too bad it didn't come to Kansas City, because it could have made 5 dollars more on a weekday.

Good Splatter = Good Poster

Anyways, Splinter is about a couple who decide to go camping for their anniversary but fail to properly set up a tent, so they decide on driving to a nearby cheap motel to spend their magical evening.  While driving to said motel, the lovers played, by Jill Wagner and Paulo Costanzo (High Times cover boy in Road Trip), run into another group of stranded lovers on the run.  As always, stopping to pick them up turns out to be a bad idea (shocker).  However, they all become stranded at a nearby gas station after their getaway car breaks down.  This gas station seems to be abandoned at first, but the attendant that lurks outside has been taken over by a deadly virus caused by these splinters. 

Seth (Paulo Costanzo) almost has his Ph.D in Biology, so he is constantly analyzing this splinter parasite and tries to keep the group from doing anything too stupid throughout the film.  He plays the part of the nerdy, wimpy boyfriend very well but its tough to like him at first.  The best character in this movie is the criminal Dennis (Shea Whigham), who plays a bad guy at first, but becomes a very likable guy by the end.  The female lead isn't too bad either, making this a rare horror movie with good performances all around.

On to the production side of the film, they chose to use live creature effects and not CGI.  While Michael Bay might laugh at this insane notion, I heavily prefer it.  If necessary, using a little CGI doesn't bother me, but it can ruin a film when many death scenes are laughably fake.  An example would be the movie, The Midnight Meat Train.  Even though I enjoyed it a lot more than I anticipated, it suffered from overusing CG blood and gore.  It sort of shows me the director chose an easier way out of filming a scene, aka cheating or being lazy.  That being said, there was no computerized blood being shed in Splinter. Thank you Toby! 

Unfortunately, they did use a trick which I despise almost as much as CGI: the 'shaky camera' effect.  This is when the director gets up close and personal to the action and the camera moves so much its hard to tell whats going on besides blurs of people and a bloody mess.  I get why they do this (to cover up shoddy effects), but it is somewhat disappointing considering how good the effects looked the rest of the movie.  Luckily, I only noticed this at the beginning a few times, so I either got used to it or they quit doing it. 

Overall, I would recommend seeing this film over many indie-horror flicks you might find on the shelves of your local video store.  It has all the elements one could hope for in a quality horror film: good acting, believable effects, genuine scares, and realistic blood.  The atmosphere of the whole movie is great; they can't let the virus in, but they can't stay in the gas station forever.  It contains some horror clichés, like the inept cop who shows up at the worst possible time, and the person who gets infected but keeps it a secret as long as possible.  However, besides a few hiccups, and the fact the ending could have been stronger, it is deservedly being compared to The Thing and it keeps the thrills coming. 

It's a shame it hasn't been seen by a wider audience.  This is most likely because it isn't a cookie cutter slasher film like most of the genre that makes it on to the Silver Screen.  Sure, not everyone will love every decision made in this movie, but its easy to say that while safely sitting on a couch drinking an ice cold beer.  All you need to do is just sit back and enjoy the well-paced 82 minute ride.  You will be pleasantly surprised.


Total Score:  7/10
Buckets:  3/5

Shuttle

Written & Directed by:  Edward Anderson
Starring:  Tony Curran, Peyton List, dumb teenagers


The last movie that I watched on my queue was a 2008 movie called Shuttle.  It is about a group of teenagers who arrive at an airport late at night back from a wild trip to Mexico.  They are greeted by a friendly shuttle driver saying he'd gladly take them back to the city for a cheap rate since its his last ride of the night.  He seemed nice enough and they were desperate so they accepted the ride and started their long journey into the night.  Of course, they didn't know at the time that the driver had a different agenda for the group and they are forced to play by his rules the rest of the movie.

Semi-Spoiler poster for Shuttle.

The beginning of this movie has painfully cheesy dialogue between the teens.  One guy must hit on every girl he sees, and his friend is the token nice guy always waiting for the 'right girl.'  The two girls involved are both attractive and one is kinda slutty, so the boys decided to ride with them on the shuttle in hopes of getting some action later.  Needless to say, that decision would cost them dearly.

Naturally, at the first sign of trouble, their cell phones can't get service.  How many times has your phone lost service while you were in a big city just outside of an airport?  The answer should be never, but in the movies, the answer is always.  Anyways, the sinister driver is played very well by Tony Curran (Underworld 2) as he uses his best 'Jigsaw' voice.  Between the driver and the lead females (Peyton List) performance, it made up for the others' lack of talent.  However, the amateur scriptwriting is most likely to blame for their performances. 

As for the movie itself, it contained two major twists.  One of which I saw from the second they stepped on the shuttle, which deeply disappointed me.  The other comes at the very end, which I can honestly say I didn't quite see coming.  There were definitely clues throughout that I noticed but it was never blatantly obvious, which was nice.  I'm a firm believer that if you can wow the audience at the end, it can make up for some of the previous shortcomings in the film (i.e. Saw).  The suspense leading up to the final scene was also very well done.  To say I was anxiously on the edge of my seat is an overstatement for sure, but I was definitely interested in the outcome. 

This movie definitely chose the suspense over violence route, which is understandable.  Unfortunately, the little violence that is actually shown on screen (which is not much), is poorly done.  Remember being a kid and pretending a to have knife stuck in you?  All you have to do is just stick it to the side of you and it looks real from a side angle.  Well the filmmakers remembered that trick and used it not only once... but THREE times.  I can excuse it once, but every time someone gets stabbed, please make it seem a little more believable.  Little things like that add up and it just ruins the movie for me.

If it wasn't for the strong ending, I would tell you to never watch this movie.  The first two acts of the film are simply not any good.  The violence was poorly executed, the characters were mind-numbingly stupid throughout, and the dialogue was very suspect.  However, Tony Curran played a great bad guy, and I expect to see the beautiful Peyton List in more movies in the future.  Overall, it was a pretty decent first movie from writer/director Edward Anderson, and I'd be interested in seeing what he does next.  Hopefully he learns from his mistakes with Shuttle, and continues to build on the level of suspense provided from the third act of the movie.


Total Score:  3/10
Buckets:  0.5/5

Piranha 3D

Directed by:  Alexandre Aja
Written by:  Irrelevant
Starring:  Elisabeth Shue, Steven McQueen, Jerry O'Connell, Kelly Brook, Ving Rhames, Piranhas


I went to see Piranha in 3D last night at the local cinema, and lets just say I have mixed feelings about it.  First of all, I have never seen the original 1978 version of Piranha, so this review will not be comparing the two whatsoever.  Seeing how the original was a 'cult classic,' I hoped the remake would at least follow in its footsteps. So after saying that, I enjoyed the new one, but came away from it wanting more.

A poster true to its words.

It starts off with Richard Dreyfuss (from Jaws fame) drinking some beer on an old fishing boat.  After being startled by actually catching a fish, he drops his beer bottle into the lake, which somehow causes a seismic event when the bottle hits the bottom.  The lake's floor opens up after the tremor, releasing thousands of prehistoric piranhas out from a supposed lake underneath the lake.  Sound plausible so far?  Good.  Moving on.  After investigating the disappearance of ol' Dick Dreyfuss, Sheriff Shue and Deputy Rhames discover these man-eating fish and report straight to Christopher Lloyd, the local mad scientist!  Naturally, this role comes easy for him, and he nailed it.  Of course, it also happens to be Spring Break time in the small town in Arizona, bringing out all the skimpy bikinis and loud teenagers one could ask for to Lake Victoria.  To make matters worse, Elisabeth Shue's kids are up to no good while she's away from home.

The main character in this movie is Steven McQueen (grandson of THE Steve McQueen), who plays a high school kid too shy to actually ask out this girl he likes.  While he is supposed to be babysitting his little brother and sister while mommy (Shue) works, he ends up sneaking out to go on a porno shoot with Jerry O'Connell, model Kelly Brook, and pornstar Riley Steele (fresh off her role in Bad Girls 3).  Of course, his high school honey comes aboard the yacht too.  Throughout this movie, McQueen puts his family name to shame.  He passes on countless opportunities to get with Kelly Brook, in order to NOT ask out the other girl.  Those of you wanting to see countless female nudity in 3D, nows your chance.  I can positively say anything with more nudity than this would be borderline porn... which is not a bad thing at all for many.  And yes, for those of you wondering, Kelly Brook has her share of nudity including a 5 minute long underwater 'exploration' of Riley Steele's body.  There is even a CGI penis that gets burped out of a piranha... all in the glory of 3D!

Back to the 'plot' here, the movie doesn't really rack up the body count until about an hour into the movie.  Once the piranhas find the spring break crowd, all hell breaks loose and the body count skyrockets.  Eli Roth (director of Hostel I & II and Cabin Fever) has a great cameo as a wet t-shirt contest host.  He is also one of two people who die non-fish related deaths... both of which are terrific. 

Don't you love it when preview scenes aren't even in the movie?

With director Alexandre Aja (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes) behind the camera, I knew this movie wouldn't be short on blood, and it wasn't.  There are countless geysers of blood and limbs being shredded apart throughout the climax of this movie.  They did a great job with the look of the blood in this movie, it never looks too pink like most movies fall victim of doing when blood and water mix.  Every death scene counts in this movie, no camera flashes away or cheap effects.

While acting is never a horror movie's strong suit, this movie had pretty decent acting considering the material.  Unfortunately, I didn't really feel anything for any of the characters.  Believe it or not, the most believable and enjoyable actor in this whole movie was Jerry O'Connell.  He played the douche-baggy porn director pretty well.  As for everyone else, nobody really stood out.  It was near impossible to like the main kid, and I didn't care if he got the girl or not.  Plus his 'heroics' at the end just had me shaking my head in disbelief.  Everyone just seemed to do their part and keep the audience awake for the over-the-top violence.

I'd recommend seeing this film for the last 30 minutes alone, or the first hour depending on what you are looking for...  The 3D effects seemed added on and completely unnecessary.  If you don't see this in 3D, many of the shots will just be pointless and dumb like in Friday the 13th Part 3.  This fact only supports my theory that 3D is not here to stay, just like the how the fad died in the 80's. To me, I think it took too long to get started and it ended too soon.  With a running time of only 89 minutes, that is almost unacceptable.  After the movie was over, I was asking myself, 'Why didn't he just do this...?' or 'Wouldn't he be dead by now?'  Plus the fact that everybody in the theater saw the last shot of the movie coming from a mile away. But after its all said and done, this movie is not meant to be a smart or clever movie.  It is not Inception with piranhas.  Its 3D, its gory, its funny, and its way over the top.  What else do you need out of a summer horror movie?

Total Score:  5/10

Buckets: 4/5

Calvaire [The Ordeal]

Written & Directed by:  Fabrice Du Welz
Starring:  Laurent Lucas, Jackie Berroyer, and Jean-Luc Couchard


Unfortunately, the first entry to this blog is a Belgian horror flick called Calvaire (or The Ordeal).  I say 'unfortunately' because it was quite a letdown.  I might feel this way because of all the hype I read about it, seeing that it was compared to modern horror classics like Inside and Martyrs, as well as horror staples like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Deliverance.  After viewing the film, it definitely draws comparisons to the latter, but of much less quality.

Released in 2005, this movie is about an entertainer in Belgium who is traveling south for a Christmas Gala.  He gets himself lost in the backwoods of Belgium and his old van shockingly breaks down in the pouring rain.  Luckily there is an old Inn (say 'an old Inn' five times fast) nearby which some crazy kid takes him to by foot.  Long story short, the owner of the Inn is not who he seems and the singer is in trouble.  Needless to say, he doesn't make the Gala.  Whereas many movies have had similar plots and succeeded (See Frontier(s), or TCM), this movie fails in so many ways.  Those of you looking for a high body count, look elsewhere.  Those of you looking for scares or a clever script, look elsewhere.  Those of you looking for lots of blood and thrills.... you guessed it, not here.  Lets put it this way, there is more gore in Not Another Teen Movie.

The only positive things I can say about this movie are that it has a cool poster and it doesn't waste too much of your time with an 88 minute runtime.  Other than that, there really isn't much going on.  It's just a slow building movie that never pans out the way I had hoped.  If given the option of seeing this, I would say skip it.  There are much better horror movies out there that need to be seen.  Even though we are in a time where there are so many horrible Hollywood horror movies being made, this proves that not every foreign horror movie hits its mark either.

Total Score:  2/10
Buckets:  0/5