Devil

Directed by:  John Erick Dowdle

Written by:  Brian Nelson

Starring:  Chris Messina, Logan Marshall-Green, Bojana Novakovic, Jenny O’Hara, Bokeem Woodbine, Geoffrey Arend


It’s been a long time since I’ve watched a new horror movie, hence the stretch to write a review for Devil.  Being a much dreaded PG-13 horror film, and based on a story by M. Night Shyamalan, my expectations were rock bottom. Luckily, it turned out to be pretty decent.  In fact, it might even be his best movie since Unbreakable, which isn’t saying much.  Nothing can be worse than The Happening (except maybe Twilight).  This is probably due to the fact he had little to do with this movie as possible, leaving the writing and directing to someone else.

The plot is based around an old folktale that begins with a suicide, and ends with the devil punishing a group of people until no one remains.  The movie starts with that suicide, a jumper from a large office building.  After that, the wheels are set into motion as all of our main characters become trapped in an elevator in that building.  On the case is Detective Bowden (Chris Messina), who is a recovering alcoholic after his family was killed in a hit and run accident.  Also behind the scenes are a couple of security guards, one of whom is the token folklore expert, giving out vital information sparingly.  He naturally proves his theory to the police by dropping toast and having it fall jelly side down (or is it jam?).  Anyways, this ‘devil’ will be disguised as a regular human and our job during the movie is to figure out who it is.  Is it Sergeant Crisp from The Rock (Bokeem Woodbine)?  Maybe… maybe not.

Everyone involved did a pretty good job here (although the detective kind of bothered me for some reason).  As the film chugs along, you change your suspicions to a new person every 10 minutes.  Once you are sure its one person, they die, so you start suspecting another, and then they die.  There aren’t any clues revealed to completely give it away, and everyone has their own reasons to not be trusted.  The best way to watch is to just enjoy the ride and not over-think things, since you’ll most likely be wrong. 

Production value was decent, and they made the most out of the low budget, which was more than earned back its opening weekend.  With an 80 minute runtime, this movie will not waste too much of your time.  If you skip the ‘clever’ upside down intro shots and the credits, that leaves you with about an hour and 10 minutes, an ideal length for a movie like this.  You’ll only have to wait an hour to find out who the devil is!

Overall, this movie turned out to be better than I thought, but not great.  It wasn't overdone and stupid like most Shamalama movies, so that was nice.  There also weren't any plot holes that I could think of, which is rare for most mainstream horror movies.  That combined with the short runtime made it a very efficient thriller.  Devil is what it is, and it’s a good popcorn flick.  So don’t be the ‘smart guy’ and continuously try to impress people by figuring out who the devil is from the beginning.  Just sit back and keep your theories in your head, since no one cares if you knew it was them all along… because you most likely didn’t. 

Total Score:  5/10

Buckets:  0/5

Frontier(s)

Written & Directed by:  Xavier Gens

Starring:  Karina Testa, Samuel Le Bihan, Aurélien Wiik, Chems Dahmani

I originally came across this movie because it was being compared to some of my favorite horror films, Inside and Martyrs.  After seeing it, I would best compare it to a mix between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Hostel.  However, Frontier(s) was a bit more enjoyable to me than both of those.  While the French film lacked a good dose of Biel, and the sick humor of Eli Roth, it more than made up for it with the buckets of blood that single handedly caused theaters to pull this NC-17 gem.

As mentioned previously in my review of From Within, this movie was originally part of the “8 Films to Die For” in the 2007 After Dark Horrorfest lineup, but was replaced in theaters because of the NC-17 tag.  That rating is known as ‘box office suicide,’ but I was surprised that the Horrorfest would pull their best movie in order to gain a few more viewers.  Regardless, I made sure I saw it and you should too.

Frontier(s) is about a group of small-time hoodlum teenagers named Yasmine, Alex, Tom, Farid, and Sami.  They just stole a bag of money during the riots in Paris and decide to flee to Amsterdam to get away from the fighting.  Since Sami was somehow shot, his sister Yasmine (Karina Testa) and her ex-boyfriend, Alex (Aurélien Wiik), take him to the hospital.  Meanwhile, Tom and Farid get head start on the trip and drive for the border, or frontier, with the money.  They ultimately decide to stay at a small cottage for the night.  While at the cottage, Tom and Farid are treated like royalty so they tell the others to join them for the night.  Before they arrive, shit hits the fan and Tom and Farid are running for their lives.  It turns out the Inn is being run by a deranged Nazi family that kills everyone that stays at the cottage.  When Yasmine and Alex arrive, they have no idea where their friends are, but soon find out they must too fight for their lives.  

While not the most original story, the action starts almost immediately and the bloodshed is constant.  There are plenty of cringe-worthy scenes, but it is not pointless ”torture porn” like in Hostel.  The entire time, the characters are fighting and clawing for survival.  They are always close to getting away, only to be thrown right back into the mess of things.  The director, Xavier Gens (Hitman), did a fantastic job with the pacing and at keeping the tension high throughout the film.  The last 15 minutes is pure, nonstop, bloody entertainment.  It also contains what could be the best death scene I’ve ever seen.

Like with all films, there were some minor drawbacks.  The back story involving the heated political race and the ensuing riots seemed pointless.  While there needs to be some story to how the kids get to the death cottage, it just seemed like it was overly done.  With most horror movies, there are some ‘what were you thinking?” moments.  There was the typical escape routine where the victim gets in the first car she sees on the property.  Obviously the person driving to where you just came from is a bad guy.  Or the great decision to hide in an oven when you are fleeing for your life.  When has that ever been a good idea?  Regardless, I forgive their mistakes.  You can’t expect people to make cold, calculated decisions when they are being chased by a crazed Nazi. 

In conclusion, Frontier(s) is a fantastic example on how to make a good horror movie.  The actors did a great job, and story was constantly engaging all the way up to the great finale.  Also, the death scenes were all fantastic and there was no shortage of blood.  If I had to recommend any horror film out of all the “8 Films to Die For” series, this is the one to see.  In terms of French horror, I’d rank this only behind Inside, Martyrs, and High Tension.  While they are all entirely different movies, they are all prime examples of horror at its finest.  Highly recommended!

Total Score:  8.5/10

Buckets:  5/5

Deadgirl

Directed by:  Marcel Sarmiento & Gadi Harel

Written by:  Trent Haaga

Starring:  Shiloh Fernandez, Noah Segan, Michael Bowen, Candice Accola

Getting away from the mainstream horror genre, I decided to give a film called Deadgirl a try.  I’ve read a few positive reviews online (and a few negative), so I tracked it down and watched it after work last week.  This is a common routine for me, and it’s a gamble whether or not the film turns out to be good.  That’s part of the rush for me; finding an unknown film with a cult following and not reading much more into it.  I find it better to watch a movie that you don’t really know much about, and not letting the trailer show you half of the movie.  That way, nothing gets ruined for you and the movie develops the way it was intended.  While this methodology tends to waste your time every now and then (i.e. Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door), it also brings along some pleasant surprises.

Deadgirl is one of those movies that really doesn’t fit into a certain genre.  The best way I can describe it is being a high school/horror/romantic comedy/zombie flick, in that order.  That’s one thing I really enjoyed about the film, it’s not something I’ve seen before.

The movie follows two loner high school students who stumble upon a mysterious girl while doing one of my favorite past times, skipping class to roam the basement of an abandoned mental hospital.  As they soon find out, the girl cannot die.  Since she is chained to a table, one of them seems to think it would be fun to make her his personal sex slave.  The rational student, Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez), finds what his friend, JT (Noah Segan, Brick), is doing to be insane and obviously wants nothing to do with his activity.  Unfortunately, word spreads about what they have found and their sex-depraved classmates want to see the ‘deadgirl’ for themselves. 

The viewer is put into Rickie’s corner from the start, since he is the lonely romantic who always does the right thing.  He’s the familiar high school kid all of us know well, the one that loved the girl that he couldn’t get.  Being an outcast is all he’s been known to be, and the same goes for JT.  The main difference between the two is that JT was willing to give up trying for the girls he couldn’t get.  He had found his salvation chained to a table in an abandoned basement, and that was good enough for him.  He was happy with her no matter what Rickie said.  In the end, ‘deadgirl’ consumes him and creates a whole new monster.

While this movie does cross some lines, I couldn’t help but enjoy the ride.  The acting was a little sluggish at the start, but everyone ends up putting in a great effort.  Noah Segan is the standout for this movie as JT, but the other actors played their characters superbly as well.  Some questions were left unanswered, like where the girl came from and what she truly is, but I feel that it didn’t really hurt the film.  In fact, a little mystery is great.  Sometimes I don’t like it when everything is spelled out for me.  

While it does have its flaws, I recommend Deadgirl because it is something truly different.  It definitely won’t please everyone; in fact it probably won’t please many.  While it may sound hard to believe, this movie has a lot more under the surface than just people having sex with a dead girl.  I feel sorry for those who don’t take anything more out of this film, since I believe the writers did a great job creating an original story here.  It really questions a humans capabilities and moral standings, but it makes you laugh at the same time.  While there is a strong element of romance involved, I wouldn’t have this movie penciled in for ‘Date Night’ if I were you.  It does contain someone having their penis bitten off and shitting out their insides (sucks to be you).  So there’s that…


Total Score:  6.5/10
Buckets:  2.5/5

Saw VII.... errr Saw 3D

Directed by:  Kevin Greutert

Written by:  Patrick Melton & Marcus Dunstan

Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Chad Donella, Sean Patrick Flanery

Another Halloween means another Saw movie.  This time, I was hoping my seventh annual Halloween weekend trip to the theaters would be better than the previous two trips.  As it turns out, the latest Saw movie is much better than the previous 2 films, but that’s not saying much.

Saw VII… I mean Saw 3D, is the supposed ‘final’ chapter in the successful Saw series.  Those of you familiar with the series should be anticipating this movie, whether it be for reasons of curiosity, or because of shear relief that this franchise if finally over.  While not a die hard fan of the series, I have found them all enjoyable.  Very rarely does a horror franchise come along that spawns more than 3 movies.  When they do, you couldn’t ask for a better collection of films than the Saw series.  Even if you despise all the torturing and twists that occur throughout, you honestly cannot tell me any of these movies is worse than Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, or Halloween III: Season of the Witch.  Simply put, this series has been consistently engaging and highly watchable, no matter what your final opinions may be.

This time around, the formula stays pretty much the same.  We follow a man named Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery, Boondock Saints) going through a series of traps trying to save people closest to him.  The plot is pretty much exactly the same as Saw VI, except this time the character is not an insurance agent, he is a self-proclaimed Jigsaw survivor who has made millions off a self-help book.  As expected, there are numerous other story lines intertwined as well.  Jigsaw’s apprentice Detective Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) is hunting down Jigsaw’s wife Jill Kramer (Betsy Russell, as seen in a plastic surgeon’s office) because of how she left him to end the last film.  She ends up hiding out in a ‘safe house’ under supervision of Internal Affairs Agent Gibson (Chad Donella, Final Destination).  Meanwhile, Gibson is trying to track down Hoffman before he kills any more people. 

There is nothing new to offer here, except that there are more traps in this movie than any other entry in the series with 11.  Most of these traps are clever and original, while some are rehashed.  More importantly, the aftermath of all these traps are quite gory, except one or two.  I would say that this is the bloodiest one of the bunch, and that is saying a lot given how gruesome most of these are.  If you don't cringe at a few of these death scenes, you may want to check your pulse.  While some of the bodies ended up looking like plastic dummies, I still applaud the effort put in.  Since the death scenes might be the only things in this movie that had any effort put into.

One of the worst aspects of this movie is that the majority of the characters had no background or connection to previous entries in the series.  Yes, they brought in most of the survivors of past movies for a few scenes, but this movie should have been more about them, while containing a more original plot.  Instead, we have to follow around Bobby.  Why the hell is newcomer Bobby the main character in the final movie of the series?!?  Who cares about him, or the singer of Linkin Park that appears in the junkyard game?  The one person who definitely belongs in it the most is Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), and he is in this film for maybe 5 minutes.  That is unacceptable, especially for the finale.  As hard as the writers have tried to make each movie connect, I was let down by the final product here.

Another disappointing thing about Saw 3D is the fact that the main killer, Hoffman, doesn’t really follow the Jigsaw recipe the entire movie.  He chooses random people to ‘test’ and most games are not survivable.  Plus, he turns into a Terminator towards the end and just slices and dices his way to Jill.  Also, the chase scenes through the hallways looked incredibly staged and extremely cheesy.  Decent slasher action, but Saw is not, and never was, a slasher movie. 

Another thing that bothered me is that most of the traps were pointless, even more than usual.  For instance, why was there a public ‘game’ at the beginning?  This was completely out of place and had no connection to the rest of the movie.  There seemed to be too much left unanswered for it to be considered a conclusion.  Unless there is another movie being planned down the line, in which case it might answer all the remaining questions.  But if that happened, it would be a cheap marketing move to lie to the public to get them to see the ‘final’ movie.  Just like how the Rolling Stones have been stealing people’s money by putting on ‘farewell’ tours every other year for the past decade.  I’m a believer in the idea that some things just need to die so they can be remembered for when they were still relevant and successful (I’m looking at you Mick).

Many of these negatives could be accounted to the fact the director didn’t even want to do this movie.  He wanted to do Paraboring Activity 2, but Lionsgate had a clause in his contract to do another movie, so he was dragged back a week before shooting!  Plus he tried to rework the script, blah blah blah.  Just seemed doomed from the beginning, which is sad knowing this is the conclusion to a legendary series.

In conclusion, the filmmakers could have done way better job here, being that this is the ‘final’ movie.  However, this movie was a lot better than Saw V and VI, but not as good as the first 4 movies.  Yet again, the 3D was a disappointing gimmick.  While some scenes involved body parts flying at the screen, it was mostly tacky and largely forgettable.  Overall, I recommend this movie to fans or anyone who has seen the others, mostly because Saw 3D does offer some closure on a few characters and story lines.  If you don't like any of the Saw movies and don't care how the series ends, don't feel bad about skipping it.  Besides some great traps and death scenes, the plot contains most of the same ole tricks and the end doesn't blow your mind, 3D or not.


Total Score:  5/10
Buckets:  4.5/5

The Crazies

Directed by:  Breck Eisner
Written by:  Scott Kosar, Ray Wright
Starring:  Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker

Timothy Olyphant...
Not Josh Duhamel

Since October began, I’ve been trying to watch at least one horror movie per night until Halloween.  Lately, I have found it increasingly hard to keep up so I’ve just been watching them as often as I can.  Anyways, the next movie down the pipe was The Crazies.  In my opinion, this is one of the best horror remakes since The Hills Have Eyes.  I have not seen the original 1973 George A. Romero film, but after seeing this one, I am going to assume the new one is better.  Being a fan of Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood, Live Free or Die Hard), I was excited to see this when it came out.  Since it was released in FeBOOary, many people missed it, but not me.  After seeing it for a second time now that it is out on DVD, it easily proved to be worth revisiting.   

The Crazies is about a small town in Iowa whose citizens mysteriously get sick and start acting a little ‘crazy.’  Once infected, they turn into violent, zombie-like shells of their former self and eventually die, either from the sickness or from the top secret quarantine the military sets up.  Acting out against this quarantine is the towns Sheriff (played by Timothy Olyphant), his wife (Radha Mitchell), and two others (Joe Anderson and Danielle Panabaker).  Not only do they have to avoid being killed by both ‘the crazies’ and the military, but they are also trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

The production here is top notch for a horror film.  The director uses satellite feeds as segues between some scenes that, at first, seem out of place, but they end up being a pretty smart, unique addition.  It has a great pace to it, and the vibe is very intense throughout.  It is not the type of horror film that relies on a big reveal ending that either saves it or loses it for audiences.  Instead, it is just a genuinely entertaining film lead by strong acting and a great storyline.

The violence in this film is also very well done.  It is not an over-the-top violent movie with zombie heads getting cut off by helicopter blades, but it definitely isn’t PG-13 either.  There are some creative death scenes involved and quite a few good splatters.  Both are very important ingredients for the best horror movies.  The only negative thing in this entire movie that bothered me is that the business end of a pitchfork seems to double in size in different shots.  Other than that minor blunder, they did a bloody good job.

Not only is The Crazies an effective horror remake, but it is also one of the better horror movies in recent memory.  The action starts right at the beginning and doesn’t let up until the credits roll.  Timothy Olyphant continues to literally strut his stuff as the town Sheriff character which is great.  I’m still in the dark to why he walks so stiff (past back problems…?).  Regardless, I love all of his work and this is no exception.  Do yourself a favor and snag a copy of The Crazies before Halloween.  Highly recommended.


Total Score:  8/10
Buckets: 2.5/5

Let Me In

Written and Directed by:  Matt Reeves
Starring:  Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Elias Koteas

Sorry for the delay between posts folks.  I have just got back from a pair of vacations and have been rather busy.  So, my first day back, I treated myself to a double feature at the local movie theater.  I went to go see The Social Network and Let Me In for the price of one (don't tell AMC!), both of which were great films.  Being a hardcore David Fincher fan, the greatness of The Social Network came to no surprise to me.  Its 2 hour runtime flew by quicker than I could look at my watch (if I wore a watch). However, I'm here today to write about the latter of my double feature, Let Me In.

2008's Swedish Version

As most of you should know, it is a remake of 2008's critically-acclaimed Swedish adaptation, Let the Right One In.  I remember hearing a lot of buzz about it when it first came out so I decided to check it out.  All I knew was that it was based off a book about a loner 12 year old boy who meets a girl vampire and she helps protects him.  Kind of sounded like something out of a Twilight crapfest, but this movie actually turned out to done the correct way.  Like most highly successful foreign films, Hollywood decided to pounce on it right away while it was hot.  Being one of the many skeptics at first, I wasn't thrilled in seeing an extremely well-done foreign film get turned into a glossy, Americanized moneymaker. However, the more I learned about who was involved and the reception it was getting, the more excited I got about seeing it. 

2010's US Remake

The 2010 version, Let Me In, was an excellent film, but I didn't feel like it was a necessary remake (shocker).  While many hail the original being a 'masterpiece,' I found it to be just 'good.'  While I may have set my expectations too high, it didn't blow me away.  Like most vampire movies, there is an element of romance involved.  However, in this movie, the romantic aspect is heavily prevalent throughout.  I found the story in this movie to be absolutely great, but it tends to be a little slow at times. It is this reason why I find it undeserving of a 'masterpiece' label.  Going into the new one, I was expecting the pace to be a little higher, especially with the director of Cloverfield behind the camera.  Instead, it was very similarly paced and didn't really have anything new to offer.  It just seemed like the same movie, just with different actors and a higher budget.  While this is not a bad thing, I was just hoping for a slightly different take on it (besides the fact it took place in New Mexico).

I thought the acting in this remake was outstanding.  The fact that none of the cast are household names really added to quality of the movie in my opinion.  Elias Koteas (Zodiac, Shutter Island) continues to nail the greasy Policeman role.  While not given as much screen time as the children, his presence was always a bright spot.  Kodi Smit-McPhee (The Road) plays the physically and socially awkward boy brilliantly.  I can't think of another young male actor that looks as alien-like as him, with as much acting talent as him.  However, the true star of this movie was really Chloe Moretz (Hit-Girl from Kick-Ass), playing the female vampire known as Abby.  She might very well be taking the place of the older Dakota Fanning as the best young female actress today.  Chloe has definitely nailed the cute, innocent looking girl with a bad side routine.  Both leads out-act their age by a long shot.  Both give deeply emotional performances worthy of an Oscar, but they will most likely have to settle for a Teens Choice Award for now.  I am looking forward to seeing both of them in more films in the future. 

In the director's chair is Matt Reeves, fresh off his successful shaky-cam movie Cloverfield.  While I generally hate that style of movie, that may have been the best of the bunch, along with REC.  He also was in charge of the screenplay adaptation, which ultimately remained unchanged as mentioned before.  However, I felt this movie was much better looking than the previous version.  This should always be the case in a remake, and it rings true here.  There is one scene in particular that I enjoyed involving the camera being planted in the backseat of a car as it is flying all over the place.  However, the worst part of the movie is that Abby tends to turn into a cheesy computer character a lot and jump all over the place unnaturally.  While the people getting thrown around didn't actually look fake, you were still distracted by it knowing it was.

As for the blood aspect, most fans will not be disappointed.  The first murder in the movie literally contains a bucket of blood being poured out of one's neck into an actual bucket.  After this, each death provides the viewer with plenty of red, sticky necks to enjoy.  As for the most memorable splatter, it occurs near the end, before the infamous pool scene finale.

On to my recommendation, I would say wait to rent it if you've seen the original since both versions are far too similar.  If you haven't seen the Swedish version, it is definitely worth seeing in theaters.  I would say this one is better than the original, but mainly by default.  The acting and story alone are worth the price of admission.  Even though it is slow at times, most great character studies are.  Its just that one of these characters happens to be a vampire, which makes this a refreshing take on the genre.  Sorry Twilight, but this is how a vampire love story should be told.


Total Score:  8/10
Buckets:  3.5/5



Speaking of successful Swedish film remakes, who else is excited about next year's remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, helmed by none other than my boy David Fincher?  After seeing the whole trilogy, Fincher seems like the perfect man to do it and it very well could be his next masterpiece alongside Se7en, Fight Club, and Zodiac.  Should be a great Christmas present in 2011.

A Serbian Film [aka Srpski Film]

Written and Directed by:  Srdjan Spasojevic

Starring:  Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic



Wow, where to begin.  How about the fact that this movie can't even be found by searching through IMDb.  You must search for it in Google, then link over to the IMDb page.  It might be a coincidence that this movie is hard to find, or it very well could be on purpose.  This is not a movie for the faint of heart or for those with a weak stomach.  That being said, I did everyone a favor by watching this highly talked about film by myself a few weeks ago.  I probably shouldn't be telling anyone about this movie since it is so insane and immoral.  Its also one of those movies that once you've seen it, it truly can't be unseen.  You have been warned.



Something isn't right with
this Sam Rockwell clone.

A Serbian Film is about a retired pornstar, Milos (played by Srdjan Todorovic), who is offered a once-in-a-lifetime role in an upcoming porn film.  Curious, he meets with the director of the film (Sergej Trifunovic), who promises him a fortune to do the role since he was known for being the one true 'artist' in the porn industry.  Milos is trying to start his life over with his new wife and son, but is suffering financially.  He reluctantly accepts the role in the film, even though the director has purposely left him in the dark about the films premise.  All he knows is that it is going to be a revolutionary new 'artistic' form of pornography, and that the actors mustn't know anything about it in order to get purest reactions and emotions.  After a few days, camera crews start following him around and leading him to unknown destinations where he must act natural and go with the flow.  Unfortunately, the flow takes him to do unthinkable acts against everything he believes in.  Once he gets into the game, he quickly learns there is no getting out and these gruesome acts only get worse until the ridiculous finale.

Sound intriguing?  Well, it did to me which is why I tried hard to seek this movie out.  I've heard nothing but crazy things about this movie, and I had to find out myself if it was worth all the hype.  Even today, I'm on the fence whether or not I liked it.  It deserves respect for getting to me so much, but at the same time, the word 'respect' shouldn't be anywhere near this movie.  It pretty much left me speechless, and I'm rarely affected by movies.

Believe it or not, this movie is actually very well done.  Putting the plot aside for a moment, the director does a fantastic job leading up to the action and keeps you on the edge of your seat nearly the whole time.  The production quality is top notch, so it was definitely not made out of someones basement.  Everything about the film was absolutely how a movie should be made.... except for the rubber dicks and insane subject matter of course.

Many viewers will want to turn it off once you get to the scene where we are introduced to "Newborn Porn," but I insist to keep your fingers off the stop button.  Even Milos is heavily put off by this scene, and it comes to show that he is actually a human being like the rest of us.  While he is driven to do unspeakable things, you have compassion for him and are very invested in his well-being. He does a great job in this film and like I've said many times before, acting is a top priority for any movie to succeed.

A Serbian Film contains graphic violence and nudity from all parties, male and female, so definitely don't let any kids watch this movie.  Come to think of it, don't let anyone see this unless they are a die hard fan of the genre and aren't easily offended.  It is as bad as people say it is, but its also as good as people say it is.  I don't know if I should even recommend this movie or not because of its extreme content.  I say, if you are curious and can actually find this film somewhere, give it a chance.  Otherwise, stay far far away from it.  Its an over-the-top shock fest that definitely won't make a good Viagra commercial.  It won't leave your head for a very long time, if ever.  I don't want to be the one responsible if you see this and are forever scarred.  Therefore, tread carefully.  However, if you can make it all the way through, you probably can't see anything worse.  I haven't.



Total Score:  5/10
Buckets:  3/5

Preview can be seen here.  Shocker: there is an adult content warning.

Machete

Written and Directed by:  Robert Rodriguez
Starring:  Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Jeff Fahey, DeNiro, Seagal, Lohan....


Its been a while since I've seen a splatter film in theaters, and what better movie to see than Machete?   I remember seeing Grindhouse in theaters and loving the fake trailer for this film (and all the other trailers as well).  Luckily, I wasn't the only one who found it to be hilarious.  Robert Rodriguez also recognized the potential and made what everyone was hoping for... a feature-length bloodbath. 

Assuming everyone knows what this is about, I'll be quick describing this Mexploitation gem.  It dives straight in the action, delivering what most fans would want in the first 5 minutes:  laughs, extreme violence, and nudity (in that order).  Token Mexican (aka Danny Trejo) finally plays a big role as a betrayed ex-Federale who seeks revenge on the man who killed his family (Steven Seagal).  Looking for work, he is hired by a man (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate a senator going for re-election (Bobby DeNiro), but it turns out he is being framed to strengthen DeNiro's campaign on border control.  Meanwhile, Michelle Rodriguez is a leader of an underground network trying to help illegal immigrants start a new life, while Jessica Alba breathes down both of their necks as an US Immigration and Customs agent.  As expected, the plot takes a backseat to the action here.  Most of the scenes leading up to the big finale drag a bit and seem tacked on just so it can be excused as a real movie.  But we all know audiences didn't see this to hear about border control or any other political issues. 

Looks like someone f*d with
the wrong Mexican

 The star-studded cast does exactly as needed.  Robert DeNiro is great in a change-of-pace role as the slimy Texas senator, Lindsay Lohan expertly plays herself as a drug addicted rich girl, Shea Whigham (from Splinter) is great as the right hand man to Jeff Fahey, who I thought had the best performance of the bunch.  Cheech Marin was typical Cheech here, a shotgun toting Priest playing Machete's brother (How many movies have a character like that in it?).  Rounding out the big names are Don Johnson (oddly playing Von Jackson) and Steven Seagal (strangely cast as the evil Mexican drug lord). 

Regarding Jessica Alba's performance, you won't be disappointed.  Never known for her acting ability, it actually wasn't as distractingly bad as usual.  However, she was not cast to play the best federal agent possible.  Her best asset is on full display when she's working out on her lunch break.  Lets just say that her Wii Fitness was a good purchase.

She's not the only one showing off her body in this movie.  Michelle Rodriguez gives Alba a run for her money as the hottest actress in the film, plus the naked Eva Mendes look-alike at the beginning isn't too bad on the eyes either.  Those three definitely make up for Mr. Trejo, who might be one of the ugliest men on earth.  Lucky for him, it doesn't stop him from hooking up with all of them... oh the magic of movies.

I did not enjoy everything about this movie.  In fact, there are a few minor things I'd like to point out that sort of bothered me.  First of all, whenever there was a death scene (and there were many), there were always frames missing just before the kill to right after it happens.  I understand its hard to film a big action scene in one take and have limbs fly off and bullet holes riddle bodies seamlessly.  It just got a little annoying when those precious few milliseconds are being cut out over and over again leaving us with just the aftermath.  Minor gripe I know, but it sort of ruins the flow of the scenes in my opinion.  Another thing I noticed is that Rodriguez tried to incorporate too many scenes of the fake preview into the movie.  99.99% of the time I'd prefer this, but in this case it just seemed like some of those scenes didn't quite fit into the movie and were obviously stuck in.  Lastly, the fact that almost every principal character dies at least once in the movie and comes back to life seemed a bit overused.  In some cases I'm glad they came back.  In others, their second life seemed pointless except to add another notch to the body count. 

Other than those slight missteps, Robert Rodriguez made himself a highly enjoyable flick I'd easily recommend to anyone looking for a good time.  With a resume of Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, Planet Terror, and now Machete, RR has solidified his place as the master of dirty, bloody, old-school looking action films.  As always with a Rodriguez film, the music is also great which makes the film even more enjoyable.  The action is cut at a breakneck pace, buckets of blood hit the walls and floor, dialogue is wonderfully corny, and the actresses are as hot as ever.  What else do you need out of a movie at the end of a weak summer? 


Total Score:  7/10
Buckets:  4/5