Piranha 3D

Directed by:  Alexandre Aja
Written by:  Irrelevant
Starring:  Elisabeth Shue, Steven McQueen, Jerry O'Connell, Kelly Brook, Ving Rhames, Piranhas


I went to see Piranha in 3D last night at the local cinema, and lets just say I have mixed feelings about it.  First of all, I have never seen the original 1978 version of Piranha, so this review will not be comparing the two whatsoever.  Seeing how the original was a 'cult classic,' I hoped the remake would at least follow in its footsteps. So after saying that, I enjoyed the new one, but came away from it wanting more.

A poster true to its words.

It starts off with Richard Dreyfuss (from Jaws fame) drinking some beer on an old fishing boat.  After being startled by actually catching a fish, he drops his beer bottle into the lake, which somehow causes a seismic event when the bottle hits the bottom.  The lake's floor opens up after the tremor, releasing thousands of prehistoric piranhas out from a supposed lake underneath the lake.  Sound plausible so far?  Good.  Moving on.  After investigating the disappearance of ol' Dick Dreyfuss, Sheriff Shue and Deputy Rhames discover these man-eating fish and report straight to Christopher Lloyd, the local mad scientist!  Naturally, this role comes easy for him, and he nailed it.  Of course, it also happens to be Spring Break time in the small town in Arizona, bringing out all the skimpy bikinis and loud teenagers one could ask for to Lake Victoria.  To make matters worse, Elisabeth Shue's kids are up to no good while she's away from home.

The main character in this movie is Steven McQueen (grandson of THE Steve McQueen), who plays a high school kid too shy to actually ask out this girl he likes.  While he is supposed to be babysitting his little brother and sister while mommy (Shue) works, he ends up sneaking out to go on a porno shoot with Jerry O'Connell, model Kelly Brook, and pornstar Riley Steele (fresh off her role in Bad Girls 3).  Of course, his high school honey comes aboard the yacht too.  Throughout this movie, McQueen puts his family name to shame.  He passes on countless opportunities to get with Kelly Brook, in order to NOT ask out the other girl.  Those of you wanting to see countless female nudity in 3D, nows your chance.  I can positively say anything with more nudity than this would be borderline porn... which is not a bad thing at all for many.  And yes, for those of you wondering, Kelly Brook has her share of nudity including a 5 minute long underwater 'exploration' of Riley Steele's body.  There is even a CGI penis that gets burped out of a piranha... all in the glory of 3D!

Back to the 'plot' here, the movie doesn't really rack up the body count until about an hour into the movie.  Once the piranhas find the spring break crowd, all hell breaks loose and the body count skyrockets.  Eli Roth (director of Hostel I & II and Cabin Fever) has a great cameo as a wet t-shirt contest host.  He is also one of two people who die non-fish related deaths... both of which are terrific. 

Don't you love it when preview scenes aren't even in the movie?

With director Alexandre Aja (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes) behind the camera, I knew this movie wouldn't be short on blood, and it wasn't.  There are countless geysers of blood and limbs being shredded apart throughout the climax of this movie.  They did a great job with the look of the blood in this movie, it never looks too pink like most movies fall victim of doing when blood and water mix.  Every death scene counts in this movie, no camera flashes away or cheap effects.

While acting is never a horror movie's strong suit, this movie had pretty decent acting considering the material.  Unfortunately, I didn't really feel anything for any of the characters.  Believe it or not, the most believable and enjoyable actor in this whole movie was Jerry O'Connell.  He played the douche-baggy porn director pretty well.  As for everyone else, nobody really stood out.  It was near impossible to like the main kid, and I didn't care if he got the girl or not.  Plus his 'heroics' at the end just had me shaking my head in disbelief.  Everyone just seemed to do their part and keep the audience awake for the over-the-top violence.

I'd recommend seeing this film for the last 30 minutes alone, or the first hour depending on what you are looking for...  The 3D effects seemed added on and completely unnecessary.  If you don't see this in 3D, many of the shots will just be pointless and dumb like in Friday the 13th Part 3.  This fact only supports my theory that 3D is not here to stay, just like the how the fad died in the 80's. To me, I think it took too long to get started and it ended too soon.  With a running time of only 89 minutes, that is almost unacceptable.  After the movie was over, I was asking myself, 'Why didn't he just do this...?' or 'Wouldn't he be dead by now?'  Plus the fact that everybody in the theater saw the last shot of the movie coming from a mile away. But after its all said and done, this movie is not meant to be a smart or clever movie.  It is not Inception with piranhas.  Its 3D, its gory, its funny, and its way over the top.  What else do you need out of a summer horror movie?

Total Score:  5/10

Buckets: 4/5