Hatchet / Hatchet II

Written & Directed by:  Adam Green
Starring:  Kane Hodder, Joel Moore, Danielle Harris, Tamara Feldman, Deon Richmond, Tony Todd


Back to reviewing true splatter films, I've decided to watch Hatchet I & II back to back, clocking in at a total of 173 minutes, which is still shorter than any of the homo-erotic Lord of the Rings crapfests (and don't even get me started on the EXTENDED cuts!).  While no modern movie classics, they are serviceable for what they are.

It's not a remake. It's not a sequel.
And it's not based on a Japanese one.

The first Hatchet movie takes place in New Orleans during Marti Gras.  Ben (Joel Moore, Grandma's Boy and Avatar) gets sick of all the beer, beads, and boobs (ahhh the killer B's) so he decides to go off and take a haunted swamp tour.  Feeling bad, Marcus (Deon Richmond, Token Black Guy) reluctantly decides to join him on the tour.  Eventually, the tour boat gets stuck on a rock and starts sinking, forcing the patrons to abandon ship.  Unfortunately for them, they get stranded right in local legend Victor Crowley's backyard.  Victor (Kane Hodder, aka Jason) is a deformed mutant-man who effortlessly dispatches each character one by one, and does so all the way into and through the sequel.

Plot wise, it is not horribly original, but the death scenes definitely are.  You'll see plenty of people brutally chopped in half, as well as countless limbs being ripped off with ease.  The over-the-top violence and campy dialogue makes this film an enjoyable way to spend an evening.  It doesn't take itself serious, which is the best thing about Hatchet, but that's what also keeps it from truly being great. 


Total Score:  6/10
Buckets:  4.5/5


Moving on to the sequel, Hatchet II finally made its way onto home video after AMC and the MPAA date-raped Adam Green's hope of making any money on it.  I was hoping for more, but it was a typical horror sequel.  (SPOILER ALERT!!!) This movie takes place literally the second after the first one ended.  It follows Marybeth, the main female character from the first film, although actress Tamara Feldman has been replaced by the insanely annoying and inferior Danielle Harris (H2).  She goes back into town and collects a group of redneck hunters lead by Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd, Candyman) to go track down and kill Victor Crowly, and to bring the bodies of her brother and father back home.  Turns out things don't go as smoothly as planned (shocker).

It is a sequel, and it follows those rules.

As a sequel, I expected what most sequels offer: a bigger budget, more characters, higher body count, more blood, and most importantly, not being as good as the original.  You can check every one of those off the list because Adam Green sticks to that recipe here, but its not all bad.  Hatchet II has the highest on-screen body count of any slasher film in history, coming in at a whopping 17.  Knowing this, it didn't surprise me that 136 gallons of fake blood was used during filming (compared to 'only' 55 gallons in the original).  Adam Green consulted his death scene playbook often in this film and no page was left unturned.  Victor Crowley uses killing techniques from ripping a severed torso out of its skin all the way to giving a guy a lesson on how NOT to motorboat something.  If death scenes are all that matter to you, then you can pencil this into your queue immediately.

If acting is what interests you in horror movies, then move along, nothing to see here.  Danielle Harris is distractingly horrible in this.  Everything from her constant crying to her nonstop Ace Ventura-esque cocked eyebrow just made me wish she would hurry up and suffer her fate from Rob Zombie's H2.  Unfortunately, we have to deal with her to the bitter end, which is probably the best scene in the movie.

Total Score:  4.5/10
Buckets:  5/5


In conclusion, the Hatchet series has its ups and downs.  At times it is very enjoyable and funny, while at other times its quite cringe-worthy (and not because someone got their jaw ripped out).  Adam Green clearly had fun making these, and could probably make endless sequels to them.  Hopefully he doesn't and uses his talents on more original material, like Frozen (which had a nice little reference in the film).  Since both films are very short, I'd recommend seeing them.  If you had to pick only one to watch, then I'd easily say the first one.  Its better in pretty much every way, unless all you want to see is the worlds biggest chainsaw.